MEET 11 MAZE MASTERS
Every team that enters The Crystal Maze does so with a Maze Master. Reprising the role of Richard O’Brien in the TV show they act as your guide and host, entertaining and educating you as they navigate you through our maze. Here’s an introduction to 11 of our Maze Masters at The Crystal Maze Live Experience.
1. Christopher Tal
You know those Richard O’Brien obsessives who bald up, dress a little like him and bore you about how much they know about The Crystal Maze? Meet Christopher Tal (get it?). A self-described “physical embodiment of Richard O’Brien for the 21st Century”, he’s a sarcastic bundle of energy, who boasts that there’s “magic” hiding in his codpiece.
2. Tilda Wilder
An Amazonian explorer by trade, while suffering from heat exhaustion in a rainforest Tilly encountered a bald gentleman who offered her a multi-coloured tree frog. Seeking liquid sustenance she licked it and the next thing we knew was that we had a loud lunatic with big hair rolling around in the sand in the Aztec Zone demanding a round of gin and tonics. She’s been half-cut in the Maze ever since.
Imagine you travel all the way from Italy to watch your team play football in the UK. You win, you’re happy, you get on a train to Crystal Palace, you sit opposite a man with no hair and the next you know you wake up in the Aztec Zone with a mouth full of sand. Enzo can’t remember his surname (to be fair he’s not sure Enzo is his real name), can only recall a few words in Italian and hasn’t got a clue what the Crystal Maze is or why he’s there. But he’s a caring chap. “If you get scared or want to cry, come talk with Enzo and you’ll get better,” he says in an Italian accent more dubious than reading it on the internet can ever give justice to. But he does give special prizes to people on teams he likes, such as biscotti and an even an all-expenses-paid trip to the Amalfi Coast.
4. Minnie The Mover
Minnie has no idea how she wound up in The Crystal Maze or how to get out. But she’s made the best of her situation from her position. Originally somewhat lonely, she occupied her roams through the Maze by singing and dancing until she discovered her best friend and favourite thing – a toy dinosaur named Geoffrey. As if that wasn’t already mildly irritating enough she also found a kazoo, which she loves to play (very loudly unfortunately). Always on the look out for shiny new things, as she guides people through the Maze our advice is to look after any valuables you might have sneaked in without telling us.
5. Gordon Bennett
A failed puppeteer (Mumsy…surely we’re scraping the barrel now?), Gordon’s best friend is Gordon The Gopher (there’s not much more to him than than if we’re honest). He’s an archetypal 90s kid – bad taste in music, bad taste in clothes, bad taste in substances that might alter your mind, constantly reinventing what he liked back then. Gordon hasn’t grown up and probably never will. He says he harnessed the power of the Future Zone to travel to our time now. We’re pretty sure he’s been hanging around the original Crystal Maze for the last 20 years waiting for it to become popular again.
“I’m a suitably mid-level comedian caught in an existential crisis, who will take you through this experience,” says ‘Dusty’ to the teams he guides around the Crystal Maze (unwittingly echoing something Richard O’Brien allegedly said to the first team on the TV show). Generally, He doesn’t even bother to give his character a surname. “Sometimes when I die I haunt the Medieval Zone as Dusty Sheet, but that’s a special treat for audiences who get on board with the idea.” Mind you he certainly understands the culture of contestants. “One of you will lose your shit, another will lose their mind. someone will shout ‘one voice at a time!!!’ and you’ll all chime “30 seconds” immediately after I say it. If we’re not doing these things then we’re doing it wrong,” he drawls.
7. The Baron
Bumptious, baffling and incredibly bemused, The Baron was up to eyes in gambling debts when he happened upon the backdoor to everyone’s favourite trans-temporal labyrinth. He immediately recognised it as a great place to escape the baying mob of creditors, publicans and murderous ex-wives hounding him and has been hiding out there ever since. To those how enter he advises: “Keep your eyes open and start making things happen. If you just stand around like a lemon definitely doesn’t (lemons don’t stand) then nothing will happen and you’ll just have a load of angry people shouting “Get the crystal!”
Babs claims to be raised by Richard O’Brien after being abandoned by the circus as a child. Originally shielded from The Crystal Maze, O’Brien allegedly gave his adopted child the keys to another world after Ed Tudor-Pole met his untimely demise in 1996.Besides recommending those who enter the maze “always work as a team as communication is key”, Babs has one piece of sage advice for Crystal Maze virgins: “ALWAYS listen to your Maze Master, because Bab’s will tell you how it is!”
9. Dr Philippa Jones
A psychological pioneer in the 1990s, Dr Philippa Jones was alleged to be part of a disturbing incident, involving an accidental (but fatal) electrocution, the materialisation of a time portal and a hasty exit as Dr Jones hurtled forwards into the Future Zone where she set up a new lab. A specialist in the type of studies that aid crystal collection, the doctor is trialling a new type of psychiatric treatment within the Crystal Maze. She remains incredibly tight-lipped about the specifics of what she’s working on, saying: “You can only find out if you enter the Maze and are one of my participants.” She’s also prone to suddenly playing a composition of her own on a Casio SK1…very badly. But if you want to delve deeper in to the Maze, she’s the Maze Master for you.
10. Vercingétorix Junior or “V”
He grew up in the Medieval Zone in The Crystal Maze and is the great, great, great, great (you get the idea) grandson of the mighty Gaulish chieftain Vercingétorix. In his words he’s a “warrior with a cheeky streak”. “Show no fear. You have to commit to conquer,” he declares.
“Think Indiana Jones with a paintbrush instead of a whip!” Yep, we yawned when he gave us that description of his Maze Master too. Looks aside, there’s not much more to say about this character. “There’s only one skill necessary to tackle the Maze and that is being able to shout the phrase “GET THE CRYSTAL!” at an obnoxiously loud level,” he shouts. Thanks.